| Dr.
Suess on Clinton |
|
|
Mr. Starr:
I am Starr, Star I are.
I'm a brilliant barri-star.
I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see,
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-ski?
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
Were you spied by prying eyes?
Mr. Clinton:
I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join -- even for fun --
The Mile High Club in Air Force One.
So stow your feathers and your tar.
I did not do her, Starr you are!
Mr. Starr:
Did you smile? Did you flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie
When called upon to testify?
Mr. Clinton:
That is it; you've gone too far!
I do not like you, Starr you are!
I will not answer any more;
In fact, I think I'll start a war!
The public's easy to distract,
When bombs are falling on Iraq!
Mr. Starr:
Mr. President, confess, did you make a sticky mess?
A mess on Miss Lewinski's dress?
A mess she holds so near and dear
She saved it as a souvenir?
And may I take a cell or two from you
And prove that one and one makes two?
Mr. Clinton:
I do not like this, Starr you are,
And I admit you went too far
And I did things with sweet Miss L.
Too inappropriate to tell.
A valiant battle we have fought,
Apologies are what you sought,
I'm very sorry I got caught!
|
| Snow
Threat |
 |
Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the
dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House
lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written
in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty pissed
off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody
wrote a death threat in the snow on the front damn lawn!
And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing
right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the
floor. Bill hollers
"Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND
OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the
exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer
approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have
some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which
do you want first?" Clinton says "Oh Hell, give
me the bad news first."
The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine
and tested it. The results just came back, and it was
Al Gore's urine." Clinton says "Oh my god, I
feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn.
...Well, what's the really bad news?" The officer
replies "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting."
|
| Pregnant
|
|
Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished,
she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he
was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she
was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but
he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well,
she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist
and took the phone and called the White House. When the
operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that
she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well, they rang the
Oval Office and Bill answered.
Hillary said:
"Do you know what you did you rotten bastard"
You got me pregnant!!!"
Bill remained
quiet.
Again, Hillary screamed,
"DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU
GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"
Finally Bill answered, "Who
is this???"
|
| Clinton
in Heaven |
|
Clinton died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate-approached
the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter
appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"'It's
me, Bill Clinton" "And what do you want?"
asked St. Peter.
"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.
"Soooo,"
pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought
a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but
you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale.
I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold
that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.'
And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several
moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's
the deal.
We'll send you someplace
where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll
be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't
call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all hope' upon entering,
just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
|
| Clinton's
Clock |
|
|
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St.
Peter, so, upon the guy's passing the entrance test, St.
Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you
let me show you around?"
The guy thinks
this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.
St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the
reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria,
and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.
The guy asks,
"What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains,
"Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much
time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time,
the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks
this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are
going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains,
"Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds
his clock."
This also makes
sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room
before leaving and notices one clock in the center of
the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at
an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What is the story
with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St.
Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock.
We decided to use it as a ceiling fan."
|
| Great
Loss or Tragedy? |
|
|
Once Bill Clinton visited a elementary school to talk
to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, "Today
we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy,
a great loss and an accident". Then he said, "Can
anyone give me an example of a tragedy?"
A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid
runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a
car." Clinton says, "No, that would be an accident.
Can anyone else try?" A little girl raises her hand
and says, "If a busload of kids drove off a cliff."
Clinton says, "No, that would be a great loss. Come
on, anyone else?"
A boy raises his hand and
says and says, "If you and Mrs. Clinton was on a
plane and it blew up." Then Clinton says, "Well,
Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a
tragedy?" And the little boy says, "Well, it
wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't
have been a great loss."
|
|
Clinton Motorcade Stop
|
|
|
man on his way home from
work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and
thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse
than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a
police officer walking back and forth between the lines
of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse
me, Officer, what's the hold up?"
The Officer replies, "The President just found out
Starr has delivered another report to Congress and he's
all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle
of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in
gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates
him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his
lawyers.
I'm walking around taking up a collection for him".
"Oh really?
How much have you collected so far?"
"I've got a lot of folks still siphoning; but right
now I have about three hundred gallons."
|
|
Baseball
Game |
|
|
Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game. As the
game is getting ready to start, Bill stands up, picks
up Hillary, and throws her out onto the field. When he
sits down, his chief advisor leans over and says, "You
know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you
have to throw out the first pitch."
|
|
Nixon
vs. Clinton |
|
|
Nixon: Watergate. Clinton: Water Bed.
Nixon: His biggest fear the Cold War. Clinton: His biggest
fear a Cold Sore.
Nixon: Carpet bombing. Clinton: Carpet burning.
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek. Clinton: His Vice
President is a geek.
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger. Clinton: Couldn't stop
kissing her.
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate
tape. Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief
case.
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick. Clinton: No difference.
Nixon: Ex-President. Clinton: Sex-President.
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan Nixon's The One. Clinton:
Know for women pointing at him and say He's the one.
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak. Clinton: Famous for
bringing widows to their peak.
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Giddy. Clinton:
Well acquainted with G Spot.
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh. Clinton: Took on Ho.
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor. Clinton:
Talked of getting a piece while on her.
|
|
A
Quickie |
|
|
Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch.
As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked
Clinton, "Are you ready to order, sir?"
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."
"A quickie?!" the waitress replies with disgust.
"Sir, given the current situation of your personal
life, I don't believe that’s a good idea. I'll come
back later when you are ready to make an order from the
MENU."
She walks away.
Gore leans over to Clinton
and says, "Sir, it's pronounced 'Quiche'…"
|
Billy
the Red Nosed Leader
|
|
|
BILLY THE RED-NOSED LEADER
(sung to the tune of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer)
lyrics by Stephen Wertheim swcartman@hotmail.com
You know Carter, and Nixon, and
Ford, and Reagan,
Johnson, and Truman, and
Hoover, and Wilson.
But do you recall
The most famous president of them all…
Billy, the red-nosed leader,
had a very shiny nose,
And he employed an intern,
who you might say really blowed.
All of the prosecutors,
used to never find good leads,
They never let poor Billy,
get any ‘cept from Hillary.
Then one foggy afternoon,
Kenneth came to say:
"Billy with your nose so bright,
won’t you testify on tape tonight?"
And all of congress loved it,
they released it with great glee,
Billy, the red-nosed leader,
you’ll go UP in history!
|
|
Jogging |
|
|
Bill went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington
monument. He said, "George, what should I do?"
After a few seconds George replied, "Abolish the
IRS and start over." Bill thought about this for
a few seconds and continued jogging.
Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped.
He said "Tom, what should I do?" After a few
seconds Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."
Bill continued
jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln
Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?"
After a few seconds Abe replied "Why don't you take
the night off and go to the theater?"
|
|
